I probably deserve to be beaten for taking a million years to update, but I promise I'll be doing better.

Since I last updated, I quit my job and cut off most of my hair. I'm pretty secure with both of those things, but it looks like I'll have to go back to school. But, not law school, because oh man those few months at the office were mind numbing and even though getting in wasn't an issue, I'm sure staying in would have. Because I just don't have the desire to be a fake piece of fakery.

The weather here is like winter never stopped. Gross.

I don't know if I'll be going to China or not because I can't get any answers on wether there is an opening. At first, it seemed like a definite, but now not so much. So, that leaves a million questions about the status of my relationship and it is turning me into pretty much an ice queen. Way to go, Melissa. I'm pretty bitter about the whole situation. I should probably go to therapy.

So, look guys. I'm back with shorter hair. Great.

Go Ahead, Make My Day

Let's talk about my rage. Monday night, Michael and I (via Joel) addressed a topic that pretty much fills me full of anger, despair, excitement, confusion all at the same time. This mixture makes me cry and pretty much turns me into the most needy ridiculous creature on earth for no less than 12 hours. So, we fought? And I pseudo in the least meaningful way possible broke up with him. I went on a bike ride the next day, my head was suddenly cleared, we talked about. Things are fine.

So, we had plans to do laundry together last night. And so, I have this idea that I'll grab his laundry and I'll do it, so that when he calls I'll be like "Yes, let's do laundry" and then kidnap him and sex him for the amount of time it would take to do laundry. So, he calls mid-laundry and he's home. So, he takes the time to shower/shave/haircut and I roll up with freshly laundered clothing. Fuck, I'm adorable. So, he's in the shower and I'm beginning to realize that I'm not going to get fucked because he's in a hurry and I spent all day bleeding on myself. So, since there was no time for me to shower and get pretty so I would feel awesome during sex, I made cupcakes instead. So, I popped some funfetti in the oven so he could take them to the studio since I knew his intentions were to pull an all-nighter. He comes downstairs and I ask him to wait twenty minutes for me to ice the cupcakes and he declines. This infuriated me a little, because I clearly saved him 2 hours of his day. So, Bryn and Joel came over and I made them take every single cupcake home so Michael couldn't enjoy them.

So, this morning, I told Michael I gave all of the cupcakes away in an effort to make him feel bad. How passive aggressive. Punished. So, he suggests we have lunch together. I like the sound of it. As the day progresses, lunch for two at the office, turns into lunch for five at Panera Bread. He brought Kristina, wasn't so bad. The boys got their food first, so they picked a table. A tiny, round table meant for 4 midgets. Thanks! Perfect for 5 grown people. Kristina said that she wasn't sitting there, so we sit really close to them. I, become insanely annoyed and suggest Kristina and I move to the little outside patio where we see Kasey. I spent the entire lunch break bitching about how annoyed I was. Basically, I didn't even have lunch with him. I had lunch with Kasey and Kristina, which although incredibly enjoyable, I was still fuming mad.

And, the size of my ass has reached an alarming high. barf.

Georgia was ridiculously good. My favorite part of the trip was a haunted pub crawl. During the days on the trip, I would eat tortilla chips and black bean dip because it was just easier and cheaper than trying to organize a lunch. Needless to say that I was all gassy. So, we were in "the amazing most haunted pub of ever in history" and I farted. But, it was cute and delicate and completely silent. The aroma was poignant however. So, there was this woman who was REALLY into the ghost shit. She was talking about how she could feel spirits around her. So, when she smelled my fart, she was like "Oh my," then she INHALES my fart really deep. And continues saying "I even smell something, do you?" Completely insisting that ghosts apparently smell just like my farts.

My sobriety was mostly intact except for the ghost tour night. After someone deeply inhales your farts, I think you have to get trashed. So, I did. I was wearing a giant homemade Michael button, and I convinced people that it was in place of a wedding ring. Then, pretty much, Kristina spent 40 dollars on a portrait of us drawn by some Chinese girl on what appeared to be newsprint. It looked like Melissa and Boy George.

They were trying to get me to stop drinking. Then I fell. When I stormed off, I think I said "I'm so over y'all." And that probably sounds exactly like Britney Spears, and I'm proud of that. Thanks.

I spent at Easter with Michael's family, and it's always pretty nice to see people function normally. I love Italian Easter, because that just means pasta. I'm pretty happy I probably gained 16 pounds of pure ravioli fat yesterday. His grandma always walks by shoving food down my throat. I don't even try to resist.

I am going through some kind of quarter life crisis, and I'm thinking I might want to move away and be somewhat adventurous instead of staying here and playing the safe game for forever. Michael is doing something with ceramics this year, and I've spent the last several months being like "Wow, it's going to be really sad when he moves." It never occurred to me that I could go, too. I don't know. It's all very early.

I can't stop eating today, which probably stems from my quarter life crisis. Oh man.

Blanket

March-O-Ween was Friday, and as usually I got so drunk that drama ensued. Believe it or not, overalls are the least flattering things on earth, so Mario was scrapped. I borrowed a pair of wings from Sheri, and was basically a person with a set of wings.

Look at Kristina's giant glove. Too much.

It was my understanding that Michael was not coming because he was firing a wood kiln. But half way through the night he showed up. I got really happy. Disgustingly happy.

He, however, not so much. When I'm at Mayday (and drunk) my responsibilities become A) making people dance b) getting Kristina laid. Both of these are controlled by rubbing my ass on people. First of all, I don't view myself as a sexual person, so to me, it's a big joke. But, I guess I am perceived differently. Secondly, I just assume because I know I'm happily relationshiped, I assume everyone knows. Clearly, not the case. So, he was not thrilled with the rubbage. I would not have been thrilled if I had witnessed the same on his end. So, I think a series of sober nights are to follow.

So, I'm putting my ass in retirement.

Michael's sister came to visit for the weekend, and it was too much fun. Basically, the weekend turned into JOEL GETS A MAKEOVER weekend.

That's before.

After!

Justice

Michael hadn't been around his friends for a while, so he went to Kyle's. We watched a strange movie with desert gun fights and rape. It was funny. So, after the movie, I hear "Are you ready, Manuel?" So Manuel walks out of his bedroom holding a camera and a giant ginger is essentially on top of me trying to get me in an arm bar. As you can clearly see in the picture, my boyfriend is aiding. Also, Michael said the whole reason I was invited was to be put in an armbar. Great, Michael, it's good to know you're willing to set me up. I fought back as hard as I could, but it was useless and I got put in and armbar. Hurray. Giant men can put me in an armbar. It doesn't hurt at all, it just hurt my pride because I am strong and tough, and I was taken down. So, I warned both Kyle and Michael that they were going to suffer the wrath of my FANGS. And Michael kept saying, "I didn't do anything" WELL EXHIBIT A. And, he set me up. So he deserved to be punished. Right?

I thought so, so the first vulnerable moment, I bit. I know, biting is stereotypically a feminine form of defense, and if I was really tough, I should probably have kicked him or punched him or something. But, I can't resist biting someone when I have what is potentially the world's sharpest most dangerous set of teeth. He got super pissed and I felt guilty and bought him dinner. That bite cost me $11. Kyle, was wearing a giant hoodie, but his day will come. He will feel the pain. HE WILL LIVE IN FEAR.

Found.

I told Michael about this blog. I didn't tell him the address, though. But, he'll probably find it.

Raymi tagged me. So, here are 6 things about myself.

1. I love coats. I rarely take them off. I sit at my desk all day covered in a pile of coats. I think I've had sex wearing all of my coats. They're just like an extension of my skin.


2. Probably, no tv series has ever made me as happy as Swamp Thing. I don't have cable, so the highlight of my day/night is watching characters like Falco battle both himself and his enemies in great moral delimas concerning the struggles of man vs. nature. I remember watching it when I was a child and wishing I had someone like Swamp Thing to protect me.


3. I feel most at home in the South. I'm liberal and not religious, but I can't help but loving it down there. I'm pretty sure this is mostly to do with the amazing weather. I've been west, with the incredibly warm weather all year long, but I hate it. I like the mountains and the trees. Clearly, this exists in the west, I just didn't see it. Also, I think I will have a greater chance of actually seeing Swamp Thing if I move South.


4. I have, what Michael not-so-lovingly refers to as "Big Sister Syndrome". I googled that phrase, and most of the links talked about being bossY. I'm not bossy. I'm not Kelis. But, I do not like people picking on my friends. I will jump in their business in a second. Once, Kristina told me that someone was mean to her in the past. I took this as my place to confront the girl. I was drunk, and potentially meaner than I had to be. Kristina emailed her the next day, apologizing for the intrusion. She responded saying she found my loyalty endearing. HAH.


5. I am a slob. I have too many clothes that are scattered all over my floor. The last few weeks Michael and I have the arrangment that if I do his homework, he'll clean my house. I am for this 100%.


6. I'm crazy over tube socks. Sometimes, they make me feel like a lesbian. But, mostly, they just make me feel really sexy.


I tag Sabrina