Ice Cream, Wet Dream

2008-05-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

I probably deserve to be beaten for taking a million years to update, but I promise I'll be doing better.

Since I last updated, I quit my job and cut off most of my hair. I'm pretty secure with both of those things, but it looks like I'll have to go back to school. But, not law school, because oh man those few months at the office were mind numbing and even though getting in wasn't an issue, I'm sure staying in would have. Because I just don't have the desire to be a fake piece of fakery.

The weather here is like winter never stopped. Gross.

I don't know if I'll be going to China or not because I can't get any answers on wether there is an opening. At first, it seemed like a definite, but now not so much. So, that leaves a million questions about the status of my relationship and it is turning me into pretty much an ice queen. Way to go, Melissa. I'm pretty bitter about the whole situation. I should probably go to therapy.

So, look guys. I'm back with shorter hair. Great.

Go Ahead, Make My Day

2008-04-10T10:47:00.001-07:00

Let's talk about my rage. Monday night, Michael and I (via Joel) addressed a topic that pretty much fills me full of anger, despair, excitement, confusion all at the same time. This mixture makes me cry and pretty much turns me into the most needy ridiculous creature on earth for no less than 12 hours. So, we fought? And I pseudo in the least meaningful way possible broke up with him. I went on a bike ride the next day, my head was suddenly cleared, we talked about. Things are fine.

So, we had plans to do laundry together last night. And so, I have this idea that I'll grab his laundry and I'll do it, so that when he calls I'll be like "Yes, let's do laundry" and then kidnap him and sex him for the amount of time it would take to do laundry. So, he calls mid-laundry and he's home. So, he takes the time to shower/shave/haircut and I roll up with freshly laundered clothing. Fuck, I'm adorable. So, he's in the shower and I'm beginning to realize that I'm not going to get fucked because he's in a hurry and I spent all day bleeding on myself. So, since there was no time for me to shower and get pretty so I would feel awesome during sex, I made cupcakes instead. So, I popped some funfetti in the oven so he could take them to the studio since I knew his intentions were to pull an all-nighter. He comes downstairs and I ask him to wait twenty minutes for me to ice the cupcakes and he declines. This infuriated me a little, because I clearly saved him 2 hours of his day. So, Bryn and Joel came over and I made them take every single cupcake home so Michael couldn't enjoy them.

So, this morning, I told Michael I gave all of the cupcakes away in an effort to make him feel bad. How passive aggressive. Punished. So, he suggests we have lunch together. I like the sound of it. As the day progresses, lunch for two at the office, turns into lunch for five at Panera Bread. He brought Kristina, wasn't so bad. The boys got their food first, so they picked a table. A tiny, round table meant for 4 midgets. Thanks! Perfect for 5 grown people. Kristina said that she wasn't sitting there, so we sit really close to them. I, become insanely annoyed and suggest Kristina and I move to the little outside patio where we see Kasey. I spent the entire lunch break bitching about how annoyed I was. Basically, I didn't even have lunch with him. I had lunch with Kasey and Kristina, which although incredibly enjoyable, I was still fuming mad.

And, the size of my ass has reached an alarming high. barf.

2008-04-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

Georgia was ridiculously good. My favorite part of the trip was a haunted pub crawl. During the days on the trip, I would eat tortilla chips and black bean dip because it was just easier and cheaper than trying to organize a lunch. Needless to say that I was all gassy. So, we were in "the amazing most haunted pub of ever in history" and I farted. But, it was cute and delicate and completely silent. The aroma was poignant however. So, there was this woman who was REALLY into the ghost shit. She was talking about how she could feel spirits around her. So, when she smelled my fart, she was like "Oh my," then she INHALES my fart really deep. And continues saying "I even smell something, do you?" Completely insisting that ghosts apparently smell just like my farts.

My sobriety was mostly intact except for the ghost tour night. After someone deeply inhales your farts, I think you have to get trashed. So, I did. I was wearing a giant homemade Michael button, and I convinced people that it was in place of a wedding ring. Then, pretty much, Kristina spent 40 dollars on a portrait of us drawn by some Chinese girl on what appeared to be newsprint. It looked like Melissa and Boy George.

They were trying to get me to stop drinking. Then I fell. When I stormed off, I think I said "I'm so over y'all." And that probably sounds exactly like Britney Spears, and I'm proud of that. Thanks.

2008-03-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

I spent at Easter with Michael's family, and it's always pretty nice to see people function normally. I love Italian Easter, because that just means pasta. I'm pretty happy I probably gained 16 pounds of pure ravioli fat yesterday. His grandma always walks by shoving food down my throat. I don't even try to resist.

I am going through some kind of quarter life crisis, and I'm thinking I might want to move away and be somewhat adventurous instead of staying here and playing the safe game for forever. Michael is doing something with ceramics this year, and I've spent the last several months being like "Wow, it's going to be really sad when he moves." It never occurred to me that I could go, too. I don't know. It's all very early.

I can't stop eating today, which probably stems from my quarter life crisis. Oh man.

Blanket

2008-03-17T13:14:00.001-07:00

March-O-Ween was Friday, and as usually I got so drunk that drama ensued. Believe it or not, overalls are the least flattering things on earth, so Mario was scrapped. I borrowed a pair of wings from Sheri, and was basically a person with a set of wings.

Look at Kristina's giant glove. Too much.

It was my understanding that Michael was not coming because he was firing a wood kiln. But half way through the night he showed up. I got really happy. Disgustingly happy.

He, however, not so much. When I'm at Mayday (and drunk) my responsibilities become A) making people dance b) getting Kristina laid. Both of these are controlled by rubbing my ass on people. First of all, I don't view myself as a sexual person, so to me, it's a big joke. But, I guess I am perceived differently. Secondly, I just assume because I know I'm happily relationshiped, I assume everyone knows. Clearly, not the case. So, he was not thrilled with the rubbage. I would not have been thrilled if I had witnessed the same on his end. So, I think a series of sober nights are to follow.

So, I'm putting my ass in retirement.

Michael's sister came to visit for the weekend, and it was too much fun. Basically, the weekend turned into JOEL GETS A MAKEOVER weekend.

That's before.

After!

Justice

2008-03-11T12:48:00.000-07:00

Michael hadn't been around his friends for a while, so he went to Kyle's. We watched a strange movie with desert gun fights and rape. It was funny. So, after the movie, I hear "Are you ready, Manuel?" So Manuel walks out of his bedroom holding a camera and a giant ginger is essentially on top of me trying to get me in an arm bar. As you can clearly see in the picture, my boyfriend is aiding. Also, Michael said the whole reason I was invited was to be put in an armbar. Great, Michael, it's good to know you're willing to set me up. I fought back as hard as I could, but it was useless and I got put in and armbar. Hurray. Giant men can put me in an armbar. It doesn't hurt at all, it just hurt my pride because I am strong and tough, and I was taken down. So, I warned both Kyle and Michael that they were going to suffer the wrath of my FANGS. And Michael kept saying, "I didn't do anything" WELL EXHIBIT A. And, he set me up. So he deserved to be punished. Right?

I thought so, so the first vulnerable moment, I bit. I know, biting is stereotypically a feminine form of defense, and if I was really tough, I should probably have kicked him or punched him or something. But, I can't resist biting someone when I have what is potentially the world's sharpest most dangerous set of teeth. He got super pissed and I felt guilty and bought him dinner. That bite cost me $11. Kyle, was wearing a giant hoodie, but his day will come. He will feel the pain. HE WILL LIVE IN FEAR.

Found.

2008-03-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

I told Michael about this blog. I didn't tell him the address, though. But, he'll probably find it.

Raymi tagged me. So, here are 6 things about myself.

1. I love coats. I rarely take them off. I sit at my desk all day covered in a pile of coats. I think I've had sex wearing all of my coats. They're just like an extension of my skin.

2. Probably, no tv series has ever made me as happy as Swamp Thing. I don't have cable, so the highlight of my day/night is watching characters like Falco battle both himself and his enemies in great moral delimas concerning the struggles of man vs. nature. I remember watching it when I was a child and wishing I had someone like Swamp Thing to protect me.

3. I feel most at home in the South. I'm liberal and not religious, but I can't help but loving it down there. I'm pretty sure this is mostly to do with the amazing weather. I've been west, with the incredibly warm weather all year long, but I hate it. I like the mountains and the trees. Clearly, this exists in the west, I just didn't see it. Also, I think I will have a greater chance of actually seeing Swamp Thing if I move South.

4. I have, what Michael not-so-lovingly refers to as "Big Sister Syndrome". I googled that phrase, and most of the links talked about being bossY. I'm not bossy. I'm not Kelis. But, I do not like people picking on my friends. I will jump in their business in a second. Once, Kristina told me that someone was mean to her in the past. I took this as my place to confront the girl. I was drunk, and potentially meaner than I had to be. Kristina emailed her the next day, apologizing for the intrusion. She responded saying she found my loyalty endearing. HAH.

5. I am a slob. I have too many clothes that are scattered all over my floor. The last few weeks Michael and I have the arrangment that if I do his homework, he'll clean my house. I am for this 100%.

6. I'm crazy over tube socks. Sometimes, they make me feel like a lesbian. But, mostly, they just make me feel really sexy.

I tag Sabrina

Super Insano

2008-03-03T07:19:00.000-08:00

This weekend was the kind of weekend that makes Britney Spears make sense to me. For most of the weekend, I was moments away from shaving off all of my hair and rolling around in dirt and possibly eating my own children that do not exist. I got disaster weepy drunk and made a big deal out of everything. Ridiculous.

I do not know what is going on, but I am sad and confused about it. I don't think anything we talked about was a huge deal, but we kept picking at each other until we hurt each other. Now, I feel unsure and unstable. Normally, those thing would never even come into my head.

Work was so stressful last week. I want to be around my mom for the next few weeks so she can feed me soup and hug me a lot.

I'm mean, get over it.

2008-02-29T07:59:00.000-08:00

I think I'm going to order this swimsuit for the beach.

It's very conservative, but I that's okay. It's a little adorable. I think it will look great with giant sunglasses and bangs. Even though my hair doesn't even hold up in beach conditions. Anyway, it annoys me that I've gained weight and I have to prance around in a swimsuit. I have time to lose the weight BUT I already feel a million times better after looking through facebook and finding this:

Clearly, there are people a millions time grosser on facebook, but I think what compels me the most about this, is her confidence in the those bikinis. She's really happy about her new bleach job and the way her body looks. And really, if she can be-- I can be.

Sex

2008-02-29T07:13:00.000-08:00

Lately (the past week or so) my libido has dropped 4 billion %. Normally, when I ovulate, I get that "GET ON TOP OF ME NOW" sensation, but that didn't happen this week. It's frustrating, because I recall sex being super fun, I just can't get to the place where I want it to happen. It's like ice skating. I love it, but sometimes I just can't get off the couch.

Possible Reasons?

Stress The work on your desk keeps piling up and your latest dot-com investment just took a nosedive. When stressful events take over, they suck the sexual energy right out of you.

I'm probably a little stressed over money, but when have I not been stressed about money.

Illness You won't be feeling too sexy when your nose is running and the pile of Kleenex next to your bed keeps growing exponentially. Likewise, PMS may leave you temporarily uninterested in sex. But more serious illnesses such as hypothyroidism, diabetes, cancer, heart and lung disorders, and STIs may also be responsible for the drop in your sex drive. If you suspect something more serious, make an appointment with your medical professional.

I'm assuming this isn't the reason. I haven't felt ill. Haven't fucked anyone with an STI. Probably Michael's China Adventure left me with some strange Asian STI that is slowly ruining my sex drive and pushing him into the arms of someone smaller and gigglier...and Asian.

Medication Many prescription and over-the-counter drugs can decrease your sexual appetite. Well-documented sex drive crushers include antidepressants such as Prozac and Xanax but medication for hypertension, psychotropic drugs, sedatives, opiates and even birth control pills can lessen your interest in sex or make reaching orgasm difficult.

Nope.

Lifestyle If you've recently married, ended a relationship, changed jobs or moved, you may be mentally and physically out of sorts. Lifestyle changes are yet another form of stress, and even if they are positive ones, they can sometimes adversely affect your sex life.

Nope.

Aging While some studies have revealed that sexual responsiveness may get better with age, hormonal imbalances in perimenopausal and menopausal women lead to a diminished sex drive. Some women may experience an aversion to touch, and intercourse may be painful due to vaginal dryness caused by a drop in estrogen.

Do you think? No? Right. I'm getting old, but really, I can't be old enough for this madness. However, considering I did start my period at age 8, I could be going through menopause. Oh Fuck. hahahaha.

Relationship Blues Temporary disinterest in your partner is normal. But if you're finding that the

seesaw of sexual desire is grounded on the down side for an extended period of time, it could be tied to relationship issues. If there's tension or unhappiness in your relationship, it will eventually show up in your sex life.

Nope.

Body Image Learning to love your body is probably one of the greatest hurdles to developing a strong sense of sexuality. If you feel uncomfortable with your physical self, you may hide your body from your partner, which can lead to a slow down in sexual activity.

Probably.

Depression If you are depressed, sex will not be at the top of your agenda. Everyone experiences a bad day or two, but if those weeks turn into months, your depressed state will put your sexual interest on hold.

Nope.

New Baby In addition to a new small person demanding your constant attention, lactation and postpartum depression (which occurs in about 10% of women) can contribute to a low libido. The lower estrogen level in lactating women is known not only to lower the sex drive, but can dry the vaginal walls, making intercourse painful.

Definitely Not.

Drugs and Alcohol Excessive consumption of drugs and/or alcohol may increase the quantity of your sexual encounters, but in the long run it can take its toll on your sex drive. Be aware if your drop in libido seems to correlate to an increase in alcohol or drug consumption.

I've always been an alcoholic. Duh.

Epic Battle.

2008-02-26T06:29:00.001-08:00

123 wasn't crowded this weekend, there were just a few hippies, so Kristina and I went hippie hunting. Lucky for me, I've never been a hippie. No hemp around this neck, no sir, not ever. Kristina, however, rubbed that shit all over her body. I see pictures of her wearing hemp necklaces bigger in girth than any penis. ever. So during our hippie hunting, they really latched on to her, which made taking pictures super easy.

We are going to the beach in 4 weeks, and I can't stop stuffing my face. Winter is such a hard time for my fat ass because I don't have outside running or bicycles to make up for the fact that I want pizza in my body every hour of every day. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to calorie count for the next four weeks.

I'm grossed out by how cute this place is. This is where we are staying at the beach. It is right on the Marsh. Michael got me Swamp Thing on DVD for Valentine's day and it's giving me this terrible nightmares about the trip. I had a dream that giant peace-loving fish were being attacked by a crazy man who wore a giant fish headdress. Ack.

Michael is really sick right now. He stayed up coughing all night. He is having a really hard time breathing/getting air. I don't love that he's sick, but I love that he is hating cigarettes. Hopefully he quits this time, because, ya know you should probably avoid smoking a pack day. I wish the habit would have stayed in China.

I've been with you such a long time.

2008-02-20T10:19:00.001-08:00

I have been sick and dying for several days now. I felt weird at the end of last week, and then I went out on Saturday. Drunkeness never prevents death. So, I woke up Sunday hungover to the news that Michael's parents were on their way to visit and I didn't have pants/shoes or time to shower. Oh man, I looked great. His mom gave me a big long hug at the end of the day. I'm sure she really appreciated the smell. Fore sure.

That picture is from Saturday. It really shows of the tumor scar. I skipped work and laid in bed all Monday in a trance trying to telepathecally comunicate to Michael that I wanted PIZZA. I didn't work, but I wish someone would have seen in because I was really trying.

Marchoween is coming up, and Michael and I can't decide what to be.

Clearly my hair is different now, but here we are.

Should we be...

Any others?

Magical Unicorn

2008-01-27T19:04:00.000-08:00

This weekend is such a fucking blur. On Friday night, I blacked out more than I ever have before. I normally remember bits and pieces of the night, especially when I do something evil. I don't even remember walking home in the fucking sub zero conditions that are happening outside. And, apparently I saw the girl that Joel wants to fuck/is fucking (a little) while walking across the bridge, and I can't imagine not saying something to her because I really can't keep my drunk mouth shut. I remember as soon as I got to the bar, Kristina and I sat at this table of 7 douche bags who bought me shots for most of the night. Michael is always really amused when guys buy me drinks. Sometimes, I'll get a guy to buy me two drinks. He probably thinks I have a super hot friend that I'm going to share with. And really, me taking two shots at once is not out of the ordinary. But sometimes, I like to share my wealth with Michael. So he definitely benefits. Kristina saw a Slash wearing a pair of AMAZING sunglass and I think the conversation went something like "Can I see those sunglasses?" "Can I feel your tits?" And so, Kristina got these amazing sunglasses, but she gave them to Joel for some reason. He always ends up with really awesome shit. Like my fucking purple hat that he's trying to claim as his own. Fuck him.

Then Saturday I celebrated the Red Scare with all of my closest gay friends and it was pretty amazing. All I know is that they clearly did hardcore research and they had a GIANT communist Elmo pinata. I got in "Magical unicorn" drunk mode which I've only ever been in once before when I stole all the road cones I could find and left them in front of all of my neighbors doors because I wanted them to be as happy as I was, and I don't know why I thought the road cones could make that happen.

Premature

2008-01-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

I was actually on top of things for once in my life and I ordered Michaels Vday/anniversary gifts super early, so when the time came I actually had gifts that were paid for instead of having to prostitute myself. He wanted legos, because he said they are like a time machine that takes him back to his childhood. I liked them because they were easy to order. I got everything in the mail yesterday, and he was having a bad day. So, I gave him one set. That's not so bad, since I ordered FIVE. But then, oh wait, fuck. I let him have all his fucking presents. I blew my entire gift load a month before it was time. He was happy to have them and told me I shouldn't buy him anything else, but of course I'm going to feel super guilty when Valentine's day rolls around and I'm going to buy him another gift. Oh man, I blew my simple inexpensive opportunity so fast.

I'm supposed to be at work at 9. I woke up at 8:45 and immediately decided to have sex instead of almost being on time for work. Not such a bad decision. I just feel like a total slimebag sitting here. Luckily I was the first one in, so, besides the fact that I look like shit and smell like fresh sex, they'll probably never figure out I was late.

I am going out tonight. I woke up this morning already dreading drinking. This old age thing is really catching up with me. I may not drink tonight. Just dance. Yeah Right.

Artax.

2008-01-23T12:08:00.000-08:00

Everyone I know is really fucking sad these days, and the darling that I am, I like to encourage it. Kristina was in tears over the passing of Heath Ledger yesterday, or maybe she just didn't want to go to work and crying was easy for her. Anyway, after she skipped out on work because her bosses could tell she was unreasonably distraught, we got ourselves some free tortellini in a sundried tomato cream sauce. Fucking superb. The waiter gave it to us for free because he clearly wanted to groove one out on her.

Anway, after we got home, I made her cry more.

Fight Against the Sadness

Read Danny and Annie, omg it's too much to handle

Bitch Crazy Moves On

2008-01-21T15:04:00.000-08:00

Bitch Crazy is the insanity that lives within me. She lives on jagermeister and the broken dreams of those around her. She's highly sexual. I haven't figured out if she's highly sexual because she likes sex, or if it is because she feeds off of orgasmic energy. It's definitely something like that. Over the summer, I had a pre-gaming policy where i'd never go out with money. But, somehow, when Bitch Crazy came, I'd come how with cash. She's amazing. Since I'm with Michael, Bitch Crazy feels like she must destroy him.

I always wake up and try to fix the damage that Bitch Crazy did the night before, but her wrath cannot be erased. She is a fortress of evil and a destroyer of good. He wakes up with fear in his eyes that I previously thought could only be brought by Nazis or the devil himself. Who knew, one drunken superhero with decent tits and a thirst for cock could turn a night out into a torture sight.

After Michael left for China, I think she left, too. He came back, and I don't think she's figured it out. Or, maybe she body jumped and some other pitiful boy has to feel the destruction. Either way, I'm glad she's gone and I can wake up from a drunken haze..naked and happy and with a smiling boyfriend.

2008-01-18T08:18:00.001-08:00

Since my cervix is a drama queen, gyno visits are part of my daily life. But, I hate them when they start to fuck up my plans. 40 minutes is ample time to set aside for an exam. But they kept me waiting in the second room forever. I was there so long, I really considered prepping myself. I wanted the doctor to come in and see me completely spread in the stirrups with a speculum in my vag waiting to hand her the giant q-tip. I'm sure it would have felt better. I would have taken a lot more care with my delicate vagina.

And that's another thing. When I was younger, my vag could have been penetrated by a bus, and I wouldn't have felt anything. Now, I'm like "Oh tiny speculum, how you make me bleed!" Yea, that's right. I blead. I didn't bleed when I lost my virginity. I've never blead. That probably means I have cervical cancer and I'm dying. I'd like flowers, please. Tulips.

2008-01-17T08:21:00.000-08:00

I am ridiculously jealous of school children and their snow days. Why don't I get snow days? First of all, those little bitches are driven to school by mature, responsible adults. Me? I drive myself. I'm sure you can understand the problem here. I'm such a bad drive that hitting the telephone poll the other day didn't phase me. Oh, just another day driving. Keep me off the roads, boss. For my own good, please.

Fine, so they get off school and go home and play barbies all day. I would be productive. I would probably do something fabulous like bake cookies or masturbate. Probably only 11% of school children are doing that right now. HAHA, who I'm I kidding, they're all getting pregnant. Either way, I could use a snow day, because I'd at least get an abortion probably, but probably not. I could sleep in.

Duh.